


Fire Emblem Shadow Dragon: Barst wants to be... a Lumberjack.

by Pokejedservo



Category: Fire Emblem: Shin Ankoku Ryuu to Hikari no Ken | Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 10:32:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18444758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pokejedservo/pseuds/Pokejedservo
Summary: Howdy folks I've finally released a little something here namley this little skit namely this take on the classic Monty Python skit & song with a Fire Emblem Shadow Dragon twist. I was originally going to release this a lot sooner this month but I was busy doing various other things. Anyways while yes this skit is a bit longer than the original skit I did add in an additional twist or two as while this skit does pay tribute to the Monty Python original but is not a total rehash either. But yeah after watching Monty Python's Best Bits (Mostly) on Netflix recently I felt a little inspired to do this.





	Fire Emblem Shadow Dragon: Barst wants to be... a Lumberjack.

**Author's Note:**

> (Alright: I will mention to you all now that the various pairings mentioned are simply mentioned sorry if anyone is a little bit disappointed.)

(We now see Barst in a Dark Background.)

Barst: Ladies and Gentlemen, hello my name is Barst a Mercenary of Talys. But I’m more than just some mere Mercenary for hire I’m also a Warrior, a Hero, a Loyal Soldier and I was once a Pirate. Not much of a Pirate, mind you but it was just a phase alright? Anyways out of the Talys Mercenary Axemen three I have Blue Hair which by Fire Emblem law makes me more important… well at least somewhat more important. Anyways while I’m far more macho, manly & rugged than Prince Marth ever will be he and I do have one thing in common aside from our blue hair is that we have no love for war. Yes folks despite my Heroic Warrior past I would much rather be… a Lumberjack!

(Now the Background lights up as we Barst in the Talys Woods.)

(Barst)  
Yes I wanted to be a Lumberjack! Leaping from Tree to Tree!  
As they flow down the rivers of the Talys Forest.  
The Giant Redwood, the Larch, the Fir, the Mighty Talys Pine!  
And so on and so forth.  
With my best girlie by my side…

(Caeda is seen here holding on to him in a nice flowy dress hands by his side briefly grabbing his crotch.)

And we’d Sing! Sing! Sing!

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,  
I sleep all night and I work all day.

(Now we see Bord, Cord & Ogma as the Chorus Trio, Bord & Cord stand there in pride while Ogma is not entirely sure why he is here anyways.)

(Chorus Trio)  
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

(Barst)  
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch.  
I’d heal up with a Lavatory.  
On Wednesdays I go shopping.  
I have a few berries to go with my tea.

(Chorus Trio)  
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch.  
He’ll heal up with a Lavatory.  
On Wednesdays he would go shopping.  
And have a few berries to go with his tea.  
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

(Barst)  
I cut down trees, I skip and jump.  
I like to slash wild flowers.  
I once tried Women’s Clothing.  
So I can hang around in a Bar.

(Chorus Trio)  
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps.  
He likes to slash wild flowers.  
He once tried Women’s… Clothing?  
So he can hang around in a bar?  
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

(Now Caeda and the Chorus Trio look slightly concerned at Barst even though he keeps happily singing)

(Barst)  
I chop down trees, I found High Heels.  
But to find them I had to go far.  
Though I put on my Dress and Bra,  
So I might score at a Lesbian Bar.

(Chorus Trio)  
He chops down trees, he found High Heels.  
But to find them he had to go far.  
So he put on his Dress and Bra.  
So he could… score at a Lesbian Bar?

(Now the Music Stops)

Caeda: Wait a minute; you were at a Lesbian Bar?

Barst: Well… in my defense I didn’t know it was one at first. But I found this apparently all Lady Bar called Heathers owned by this nice lady from Tellius named Heather. Nice blonde lady who was supposedly a thief in which I’ve heard that her hobbies are conning dopey straight men and seducing beautiful young women. Which is a bit odd in retrospect after all when it comes to these sexy “Femme Fatale” thieves who they try to steal from and who they have sex with are usually the same.

Caeda: Oh c’mon now Barst don’t you think your being a little too judgmental? After all you were once a Pirate, did you have sex with all the men you’ve pillaged?

Barst: Well… I wasn’t much of a Pirate… eh what I mean is that doesn’t matter!

Bord: Wait since when did Gay Sex became a part of the Pirate Job Description?

Ogma: Well Pirates are often out at Sea for a long period of time.

Bord & Cord: Oooohhhh…

Cord: Good point there sir.

Barst: Anyways I saw Sonya of Rigel with her Sisters with Sonia along with Ursula and Brunnya from Elibe and Camilla from Nohr. I also found Titania with Lucia from Tellius and I even saw Lady Mathilda of Zofia on a date with that that young lady Faye.

Caeda: Wait Mathilda is dating Faye? I thought Mathilda and Clive are together.

Barst: They were until Clive let’s just say spent a little too much time out at sea with Pirates in which he supposedly wanted to get his mind off of Fernand. And since Faye was still depressed that Alm is marrying his possible cousin Celica she noticed how similar she and Mathilda are and well one thing led to another and…

Caeda: I see…

Bord: Wait what is this about Alm marrying his cousin?

Ogma: Shh… its royalty stuff you guys wouldn’t understand.

Barst: Though Mathilda and Sonya used to date however Sonya kept sleeping around with other women and Mathilda wanted a somewhat more committed relationship. Though, before Mathilda joined the Deliverance she used to be very popular with both the men and the women at the High Courts.

Caeda: Hmmm… that does make sense.

Barst: Although I remember Camilla talking about all the women she slept around with like Shade & Charlotte from Nohr, Kagero & Hinoka from Hoshido, Heather & Lucia & Titania from Tellius, Bruunya from Elibe, Mathilda & Sonia with both her sisters from Valentia, that mercenary lady that Marth hired Malice… wait a minute Caeda I think she even mentioned you in her list of conquests!

(Caeda, Bord & Cord along with Ogma were a bit shocked to hear this.)

Caeda: NOT TRUE! Eh I mean well… she certainly tried to during that whole “Warriors” incident but rest assured guys that this fine body of mine is a ride for the fellas only! *brief pause* and by that I mean for Marth only. Yeah…

Barst: Right…

Caeda: Anyways! So Barst, what’s this about you going in drag to be in this bar?

Barst: Well I noticed that a guy like me or any guy for that matter doesn’t seem to fit in with this bar. So I had an idea, I would come back and this time be dressed as a woman. I figured I could be a bit more able to talk to the ladies and maybe even get a little action if you know what I mean. While I was able to get plenty of Intel from the patrons there at first but… when it came to the latter… well…

Caeda: Let me guess it didn’t work?

Barst: Nope, apparently I make a terrible lesbian.

Caeda: Oh sweetie I could’ve told you that, I mean c’mon Barst just because you dress like an out-of-work lesbian doesn’t mean you are one.

Barst: Yeah I know that now… hey wait a minute Princess Caeda how would you know?

Caeda: ANYWAYS! So let me guess Barst you got kicked out for that?

Barst: Yeah I did, I tried that on the bar’s owner Heather and she banned me for life for that deception. However, in retrospection my idea might’ve worked if I tried it on one of the ladies who haven’t completely given up on men yet.

Caeda: True, you got really sloppy there Barst.

Barst: Yes I know… well still this is a nice change of pace. I initially thought this skit was going to end with you in tears about how I’m not much of a man huh?

Caeda: Oh Barst I wouldn’t be in tears over that, of course your manhood was never all that great.

Barst: Wait what now?

Caeda: Well remember during the start of the sketch where I fondled your crotch, your manhood was so small its adorable.

Barst: A…Adorable?

Caeda: Oh yes Barst I mean considering this dress I’m wearing I still didn’t get more from you down there Barst I mean what, I didn’t grab your handle enough.? I mean even Bord & Cord were more impressive down there.

Cord: Naturally.

Bord: Yeah Bro you should totally work on your wood there.

Barst (glaring at Bord & Cord): Grrr… shut it you two.

Caeda: Perhaps I’ve set my standards a little too high after all the subject of Archanean Manhoods is something I’m quite familiar with as I am known to be quite the connoisseur of sorts. After all how else was I able to get so many guys to join Marth’s army? Still when it comes to the manhoods of Archanea I do know the best.

Barst: Let me guess that would be Marth right?

Caeda: *laugh* Oh don’t be silly Barst of course not, Marth is above average like Castor or surprisingly even Rodger. While you Barst on the other hand are… average at best.

Barst: I see…

(Then Bord & Cord try to cheer Barst up.)

Bord (under his breath): Oh don’t let her get you down bro.

Cord (under his breath): Yeah I’m sure a big buff guy like you can’t be that… small.

Barst (under his breath): Yeah after all since when did Princess B-Cup over there have any right to tell someone else their “average at best” when it comes to certain body parts huh?

Cord (under his breath): True compared to other lands like Valentia, Elibe, Nohr and the like the women in our land seem to be a bit more modest in comparison. Perhaps that is one of the secrets to Caeda’s success.

Bord (under his breath): Yeah but there is Princess Nyna, that mercenary lady Malice and that lady Athena who can’t seem to decide what funny accent she is using.

Barst (under his breath): True and besides when it comes to the ladies in that bar I did notice a pattern. Granted I think only some of them are into women only but still…

Cord (under his breath): There is also how the women in Archanea seem to be a bit more armored like Lady Minerva.

Barst (under his breath): Well… yeah that is true too.

Caeda (annoyed): What are you three mumbling about?

Barst, Bord & Cord (hiding behind Ogma): NOTHING YOUR HIGHNESS! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

Barst: So uh… your highness… just out of some curiosity when it comes to… “Archanean Manhoods” who is among the best.

Caeda: Well isn’t it obvious? That honor clearly belongs to Ogma here.

Ogma: Thank you, your Highness.

Barst: Oh! Well that makes sense, we could’ve told you that, right fellas?

Bord: Uh-huh!

Cord: Oh for sure.

Ogma: Eh… thank you… fellas.

Caeda: Say uh… Ogma, a word with you… if you please?

(Ogma gets closer to Caeda.)

Caeda: Say Ogma do you have any idea why Barst seems to be so upset today.

Ogma: Well your highness you did emasculate him pretty horribly by openly telling him how mediocre his mandhood is, I think someone might find that offensive.

Caeda: *gasp* Really? You think so?

Ogma: I’m fairly certain, your highness.

Caeda: Oh dear…

(Then Caeda rushes over to Barst.)

Caeda: Oh I’m sorry Barst I didn’t realize I was being so thoughtless by calling your manhood to be so mediocre.

Barst: Well that’s one way how to put it.

Caeda: But if it’s any consolation, I only said you were average there are guys who are worse off than you.

Barst: Really, well your highness out of… admittedly morbid curiosity I’ll ask this, any chance you can name any examples?

Caeda: Oh sure, there is Abel the Green Cavalier, why Palla & Est want him so bad I’ll never know. Word of advice; never try to date a guy who likes to wield big long lances. Let’s just say the rumors about them tend to be true.

Barst: Well that is not too surprising.

Bord: Yeah but aside from Est the White Wing Sisters seem to have a thing for guys with matching hair colors.

Cord: Uh-huh if I remember correctly I heard rumors that the Blue-haired White Wing Sister Catria practically lusts for Lord Marth.

Caeda: Oh it’s no mere rumor I assure you, that reminds me one of these days I really ought to have a chat with their leader Minerva about the behavior of one of her soldiers.

Ogma: Now now your highness Macedon is one of our allies ever since after Minerva became Queen. Please do not do anything that could endanger that.

Caeda (gritting her teeth): Yes well I want to make sure a certain Miss White Wing doesn’t do the same thing. Understood?

Ogma: Eh yes your highness…

Caeda: Now where was I? Oh yes but among the guys in our army the weakest was clearly Julian. Well to be fair to Rena, it was either him or Michalis who was somehow even worse down there. But still even Julian's sidekick Rickard is more impressive.

Cord: *gasp* Wait a minute…

Bord: Rickard is a boy? Well… this feels… awkward.

Ogma: Uh your highness isn’t Julian’s young ward Rickard a… young boy?

Caeda: Uh… Say guys I think this skit has gone on long enough, lets end this, shall we?

Barst: Yes… lets.

(Now we see a letter written by Marth)

Marth:  
Dear Sir,

I wish to complain about the skit you have just broadcast in the strongest possible terms. My beloved bride Caeda is not familiar with all the manhoods in Archanea… just some of them,

Yours faithfully  
Lord Marth of Altea

(P.S: The rumors of Miss Catria trying to have a tryst with me are… mostly untrue.)

END


End file.
